Vomit #137

I’m going on a first date today, and I feel like I’m gonna throw up right now from anxiety.

Its been a while since I’ve been this nervous about a date, probably since my first date with my partner.

I’ve been on a few dates in the past year. I always felt pretty confident and sure of myself. I think I didn’t know the people so well or felt differently about them than I do the guy I’m seeing today..

I’ve got a few hours to get ready and hype myself up. Just hoping the anxiety guts go away.

~Afterwards~

Damn I had a really good time!

we instantly had a good connection, It felt easy to talk and joke around. I guess because we have been messaging for about a month.

Spent about 4 hours in a coffee shop just talking shit, about our lives. We had planned to go to the museum also, but were having a good time just talking.

Was starting to socially crash a bit and needed to go, he said he was feeling the same. we walked most the way back together.

We’re gonna hang out again and actually go to the museum next time. I’m really looking forwards to it.

I know meeting up with new people gives me bad anxiety before hand but it’s always worth it and I feel good afterwards even if the person isn’t who I thought. I feel proud of just putting myself out there.

I do like him, I’m excited to see where this goes

Vomit #136

I’ve been feeling nostalgic tonight.

It started by reading an old journal, in preparation, and remembering things for therapy tomorrow.

I read about when I’d moved out of my home town. Funnily enough, I didn’t write too much about moving. how it felt, or why I was moving. By that point, I had been trying to move for 2 years. I’d made up countless plans to run away. I got kicked out before I could even try.

It’s kind of bizarre to be feeling nostalgic for a time when all I wanted was to leave, to grow up, and be where I am now.

I feel so grateful to have made a nice life here in Cardiff. I have an amazing partner and beautiful friends. I love the time I’ve spent here, but I never thought I’d stay this long. In June I’ll have lived here for 5 years. My entire early twenties.

I feel sort of stuck right now. I’m at a place in my transition I’ve been dreaming of for years. I have the queer community I always wanted. I feel alone still. I can’t work with my fibromyalgia. I dont have a plan. I’m not really sure where I can go from here.

Everything in my body is telling me to move or to do something drastic, to change something. I thought dating someone new would be it, but I’m proving difficult in even getting something started with the guy I like.

Therapy has made me feel a little unstable. I feel a bit manic and also depressed. Like I’m not so sure what I might do next.

Vomit #135

Damn I just wanna get sluttier

As I am feeling more like myself in my body, more confident after top surgery and 2.5 years on T, I find myself just a bit restless. I am full to the brim with sexual energy and I have nowhere to release it.

My girlfriend is ace and whilst I love and cherish our relationship, and our physical relationship, it is one of the many ways we connect and show love for each other, it is beautiful, caring, loving, a power of our trans-ness.

I am lusting for something more frequent and adventurous. We are both non monogamous and have discussed me having other sexual relationships countless times, I have yet to actually pursue this in the almost 2 years of us dating. I have had a few dates, all amounting to an abrupt ending, either my own doing or theirs.

I find myself imagining, fantasising even, of my perfect casual sex partner. They are affirming, communicative and most of all hot as fuck and good at sex. They have their own flat, usually a little older, and they have a perfect aligned understanding of casual sex & ethical non monogamy…sadly, this is hard to find through dating/hook up apps.

Despite the fact that all of my relationships have started by a chance meeting, I have always thought of myself as bad at meeting people in person. That finding someone I like who likes me and is on the same page about dating feels impossible.

I’m trying to get over the fear of going out alone and going in the mindframe of meeting people and hooking up. I’ve never really gone to bars or gigs by myself before. I have attempted, and I want to try it. I could always go out with friends. Do the wingman thing or whatever, have them help me meet other people, feel less socially self conscious.

I’m making a sort of pact or promise to myself to get out of my social comfort zone. To push myself for the better. I know what I want. I’m just not confident on how to get it, but I’m going to learn and allow myself to run with it.

I’m excited

I’m ready

Vomit #134

Feeling a lot better mentally, which is surprising given the time of year. Usually around this time my S.A.D kicks in and I end up spiraling.

Honestly I was worried for this year, I figured without medication I would be inevitably heading for a rough winter. I started microdosing mushrooms (liberty caps) a few weeks ago and its is seemingly helping improve my overall mood.

Before i started microdosing, I was feeling okay, levelled out after stopping meds, and feeling more like myself than I had in a long time. It’s like I was feeling less a range of emotion on anti-depressants, like half my personality was dulled. I didn’t even realise it till I came off them.

I’m feeling a lot more motivated, I’m enjoying my hobbies and how I’m spending my time. I’m being more social and pushing myself to spend time with friends and meet new people. It feels good and pretty easy.

I’m going to stop microdosing once I hit a month (in 8 days) and take a few weeks off to see how I feel. See if the affects are lasting, to understand how often I’ll want to be microdosing. Weather its something I do every 3- 6 months for a month at a time or something more frequently.

Vomit #133

I’ve been having constant intrusive thoughts and impulsive urges

I keep saying things I don’t mean, I keep having this burning urge need in me to say certain things, things I know are going to come across wrong or stunt a conversation.

I feel a little out out control maybe manic.. I just feel constantly on the edge like there’s some imminent danger. I’m overthinking over analysing everyone’s words and behaviours.

I don’t want to be like this anymore I’m not sure why I am and its gotten so much worse recently. Off of meds maybe why? Idk I just don’t

Vomit #132

So I’m coming off of dulxotine 60mg.

I’m on the on/off stage now with 30mg. I want to k!ll myself.

I’ve been having the biggest mood swings all day.

Funky/weird/tired/energetic/ambitious/anxious/depressed/horny/suicidal/in pain/manic…

the list is endless I’m exhausted.

I had a nice weekend chloe stayed over and we had a housewarming party. But I got so burnt out. My suit for mums wedding arrived and it doesn’t fit so I’ve gotta return it and buy another but I’m running out of time.

The wedding is next weekend.

Aaaaahhhh all round

Vomit £131

We moved, it’s been just over 2 weeks tho for some reason it feels like more.. I’ve been smoking a lot but I’m not sure that’s why. I’ve been emotionally all over the place. I think because of medication and not really feeling my emotions.. Like I feel numb to them again. I was hoping to have my pain clinic appointment last week to plan to ween off dulxotine and start something else they can offer.

Flux made me emotionally numb and lack motivation I lost a part of myself. Coming off it I felt more like myself something gained I never even realised was missing. I got back into art and had more energy. I enjoyed things more, my libido came back.

Now I am back to feeling on flux but worse? Dulxotine just isn’t working and not doing me any favours. I’m going to book a doctors appointment and If the pain clinic contact me before that I’ll cancle it.

I think because of all this I’ve not really processed my feelings in being in a new soace. Living with my partner and setting new boundaries. It’s all a learning curve that I feel I’m better that than I would have been a few years ago for sure but I’m not the best especially when I’ve not been able to feel my feelings.

I managed to get in touch last night and I’ve felt better. I asked for some space and I’m glad to have a partner that respects communication and boundaries.

Vomit #130

So I’m 8/9 weeks post opp, had my final check up this week and my surgeon said I’m healing perfectly.

Happy to be outta the thick of it. I feel proud to have gone through it, greatful my partner was with me for emotional support. I am happy it’s over and the chapter of my life filled with binders, bras and daily dysphoria is gone. In regards to my chest anyways.

I’ve been focused on packing everything I own, I’m moving at the end of the month. Theres been a heat wave though. all I want to do is bask in the sun pleasantly stoned, so I have been.

I’m taking time to appreciate the little moments of euphoria. I took my shirt off at the park for a few minutes. Feeling the sun rays on my chest was magical. I felt at peace and present.

I’ve been finding myself a lot hornier lately, which isn’t somthing I thought possible. I’m finally in my body I feel sexy, I’m hot and I am IN my body. it is beautiful and damn fine and I just get so turned on by it.

I’m excited to move and start a new chapter. Gonna be tough few days but my god the house is really good. We’re going to make such a cosy home

Vomit #129

It happened I did it!

Had surgery a week ago now! It hasn’t been as painful as I feared. The night in hospital was rough as I figured but not nearly as anxiety inducing. The most squeamish thing was having g the drains in and feeling them being taken out. It was hard but quick enough.

I was given morphine pretty much as soon as I woke up from surgery and being rolled into my room so was very out of it trying to ask my partner if They were okay haha. It made me feel sick and I couldn’t eat much but wasn’t in pain just had to pee alot with assistance and threw up at one point.

All in all pretty easy and not nearly as painful or stressful of a situation just felt very fragile and rough the first few days afterwards. I haven’t needed any pain meds for 2 days and I think it’ll probs stay that way. Most painful/uncomfortable thing at the moment is the surgery binder. I’ve got to wear it 24/7 (besides showering) for another 5 weeks and it’s an extra small so it’s hecking tight. I’m used to a medium/ large so it’s like digging into my pits and making them sore.

I feel pretty gross cuz I’m stinky from the bandages even though I’m showering daily. I’m hoping that’ll ease after getting the dressings changed on Thursday.

I’ve been feeling a mix of happy and depressed from the post surgery blues. Trying to feel it all. Gonna go outside today for as much as I can manage. Hopefully that’ll help with the blues, paintibg my nails trying to feel better about my self.

Vomit #128

Top surgery in less than 2 days!! Wild how fast its come around. I’m anxious about it all but not about anything in particular.. Just a daunting feeling but I’m sure everything will go smoothly.

Annoyingly I have to go back to London 10 days after surgery to get the dressings changed and have a check up, I though by having tattoo nipples instead of nipple grafts I could avoid this, but that’s okay.

I’m kinda just wanting it to be over and done with, be in recovery but I don’t want to rush this or not be present. Its such a big deal for me, I’ve waited 7 years to get here I dont want to regret not living the experience.

I will not be able to take the pain medication they’ll give me as its an opiate and would clash with my asthma so I’m pretty much gonna be raw dogging it. Hopefully my new fibromyalgia medication will help with the pain, I also will be able to take edibles again.

It’s been 3 or so months since I’ve smoked a joint, I’ve take a few edibles now and then but basically it’s been the longest I’ve been sober for in years. I got gifted a big bag of magic mushrooms for my birthday and ordered a half oz last night to make more edibles then realised I have some already in the freezer. It’s weird to me how I have so many ways to get high right next to me but I just don’t want to. Like a few years ago I would have jumped at the chance to have this much weed plus edibles and mushrooms on hand, I would have gone all self destructive and gotten really high and most likely fucked myself up out of my top surgery date.

I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come, my self control around drugs and substances has grown massively the past few years. I’m in control I know I don’t have to be stoned all the time to enjoy my life. I’ve actually gotten a lot more into drawing and being creative since I’ve stopped getting stoned. Every day tasks like cooking and washing dishes etc have been easier to manage. I just miss the act of smoking and the pain relief it gave me.

Either way, next time I’ll be writing from recovery, wish me luck